From De Vaults: Selfstalk Blogtrawl No. 2

(Guest post by Tama Boyle.)

The earliest example of this sonnet I could find comes from January 2008. Given, however, the reference to the Swedish Rounding System, it must have been composed sometime prior to 31 October 2006. It has all the elements needed for a great poem: Supermarkets, dairy products and loyalty cards. Enjoy!

Dairy disturbing…

O worthy Temple! Vast, unbounded Choice!
Sweet Sanctuary, O Haven thrice divine!
No Man abideth who, in earnest Voice,
Denies the wondrous Bounty which is Thine.
No Artefact exists that Thou know’st not,
Nor yet can Man such Articles create.
How might we meet expound this joyous Lot,
Or Thy Abundance, or Selection great?
And as within Thy boundless Sight we kneel
And wholesome lactic Prizes wrought in Fame,
By Feta’s holy Goats, pray, let us steal
All these, by Gouda’s Grace, in Cheese’s Name!
“All Buyers indigent could ne’er have missed ’em:
The OneCard and the Swedish rounding System!”

Bridgestone tyres are made Makita tough

Feta: it is food that comes out of a goat’s tits

Note the play of caesura and enjambment, the pleasing turn of pace and tone between octave and sestet. Yeah, so it’s a bit shit. But, in all fairness, it couldn’t really have ended up any worse than the source material with which I had to work, viz. this shameless piece of purple prose from fellow State Highwayman, Ryan Sproull:

O Temple of Choice! O haven, delicious! What product exists that Thou hath [sic: tsk, tsk, grammar… BTB] not provided for me, my kith, my kin? There is none, and let no man say otherwise. Nay! The aforementioned hypothetical product doth not exist, for Thou art provider of all. How shall I greet Thee, as I cross the threshold of Thy automated doors? Shall I kneel before Thy electric eye, all-seeing as it is? I kneel with my heart, O Selection of Cheeses Both Caprine and Bovine. And the electric eye that sees my cardiac prostration is Thine. The purity of Thy fluorescence is deafening – let me be deafened! The sanctity of Thy vinyl is elevating – let me be, Elevator! Thou art my Onecard, my Fly Buys, my Love.

Don’t let her coyness fool you; she is well versed in many erotic arts

Tchoh! It is shameful in its brazenness. (Anyone for oxymorons?)

Aaaaanyway, as a bonus, I thought I would include this brief piece penned on 24 May 2006, possibly while drunk. It is one of, presumably, at least 66 I composed in the Spanish sextilla form. This particular sextilla is, again, one of at least several I composed on the matter of sex in my former life as an erotic bard by the name of Sextilla the Hun. (Warning: It does get a little blue in parts.)

Sextilla LXVI: Grope & Gropability

With tender tongue your form I traced
And skilful digits deeply probed.
Your bosom by my mouth embraced,
My member by your flesh enrobed.
What woman now would not attest
Sextilla sex is always best?

6 Comments From De Vaults: Selfstalk Blogtrawl No. 2

  1. Roxane

    Mmm I was inspired by your words to grab myself a cracker with cheese, unfortuantly we only had the big block yellow stuff on which you save $1.95 with a onecard, which although perhaps if cash was used and depending on other items costs within the same shopping trip, more savings may occur due to rounding… but anyhow as I ate my cracker with big block yellow cheese I got thinking of good cheese, such as blue vein smegma, cumd'in chedder and oh you know the good stuff, this lead me to think of sex. Great Minds huh buddy as I see your cheesy poetry let you to recall a blue verse of your own… anyhow Im wasting the chalk so to speak I wanted to share an old verse I recalled. The verse is from the yearly autum mating rituals of the Denmarkians and still practiced by the cheese husslers of Zealand, for its performance the men rub self-made cheese on their genitals which they waggle whilst bellowing the following verse at their desired mate/s

  2. Roxane

    Hey girls, its time. Ready? Lets do it: mobile; hairstyle; lingerie; PDA; black dress; necklas; camera; push-up bra; braclet; jacket; shot glass; backstage pass; headband; sun tan; mini skirt; boyfriend's shirt; music; lipstick; scoop-neck; body check, time for fun, sexy one! Its time to make up and get busy. Wake up! Its time to make up, get down and get busy. Make up with thin lizzy! Thin lizzy! Ah Ha thin lizzy! Its time to make up.

    Forgive my translation I realise Im no word wizard like you but I really did enjoy my cracker with cheese or cheese cracker if you like and so felt like sharing a little of that joy back with its instigator.

    1. Tama_Boyle

      Ah, yes. It reminds me of that ancient Catalonian Christmas carol where all the users of the village's telephonic devices are encouraged to revel at the great celebration, shouting all the way, "Oh, I'm hungry! Two-score! Two-score! Two-score!" Which was the number of pies each of them felt like eating after a hard day of calling up all the other pie-eaters. "Oh, I'm hungry! [I could eat] Two-score [pies]! [I could eat] Two-score [pies]! [I could eat] Two-score [pies]!"

      Thus was born Boxing Day, the day on which all the children who have telephones don boxing gloves and pummel each other in frenzied violence induced by the hypnotic thrum of advertising jingles which only the fiery Iberian commercialism of a Catalonian Christmas carol could have inspired.

  3. Ryan Sproull

    Pretty sure I had line breaks in my poorly written original, Mr Boyle OR SHOULD I SAY FOX NEWS.

    "You penned, we amend." Is likely to be the slogan of THAT news network. Or, "You write verse, we perverse." We HELL OF perverse.

  4. Tama_Boyle

    So it was a short story with line breaks. Well done. I think you'll find there's more to writing poetry than arbitrarily deciding to hit "enter" every few syllables. And it's "Your defect, we correct."


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