A plan so cunning.

Posted by on Sep 18, 2009 in Archive | 13 comments

Last night I went along to David Farrar‘s blogger drinks on account of him being in Auckland. Earlier this year I had wandered along to Galbraith’s and spent a nice evening with DPF, Peter Cresswell and Anna Woolf. This time, things were considerably busier, and despite Peter’s best efforts to introduce me to everyone, there was no hope.

I tried a few memory techniques when introduced to a few Young National guys, Brendon and Zach. I imagined Brendon telling jokes on stage about masturbation, like Brendon Lovegrove. And I imagined Zach with even spiked-upper hair flying through the air with a cartoon lightning bolt behind him and the words “ZACK ATTACK!!!!” beneath him. His mouth may or may not have been ridiculously large in this image.

Speaking of images, probably the most entertaining moment of the evening for me was (Gotcha’s) Whale Oil‘s Cameron Slater introducing himself to a newcomer to the tables.

“And who are you?” she asks.

“Cameron,” he replies. This is enough.


He points at the Whale Oil T-shirt he’s wearing. She smiles uncertainly.

“Slater,” he says, after a brief pause.

“Cameron Slater. Okay. Oh! Okay. Cameron Slater.” (Yes, it was almost palindromic.)

Apparently effective memory techniques aside, Peter and I spoke briefly about hopeless Googlers of their own names like myself. He admitted to having a Google Alert set up on his own name – that name again, Peter Cresswell. Apparently there are a few other Peter Cresswells in the world, so occasionally he hears what they’re up to. Cameron Slater’s problem is slightly different – he gets regular alerts when New England historians make new assertions about the importance of whale oil to colonial America.

Together, Peter and I threw around a fun idea of how to drive traffic to a site by guessing who might have Google Alerts on their names.

Anyway, on an entirely unrelated note, here are the names of some of the people who were there last night, combined arbitrarily with a list of people who were almost certainly not there.

  • Steve Pierson/Clinton Smith
  • Ralph Malcolm
  • Susan Ryder
  • Dr Richard McGrath
  • Bernard Darnton
  • Cactus Kate
  • Russell Brown
  • Damian Christie
  • Jolisa Gracewood
  • David Slack
  • Fiona Rae
  • Graham Reid
  • Hadyn Green
  • David Haywood
  • Graeme Edgeler
  • Emma Hart
  • Danyl McLauchlan
  • Adolf Fiinkensein
  • Psycho Milt
  • Lou Taylor
  • Barnsley Bill
  • Bryan Spondre
  • Idiot/Savant
  • Tim Selwyn
  • Martyn Bradbury (“Bomber”)
  • Phoebe Fletcher
  • Julie Fairey
  • Lil’E
  • Undomestic Goddess
  • Anjum Rahman
  • Jim McVeagh
  • Jafapete
  • Roger Nome
  • Ele Ludemann
  • Gareth Renowden
  • Bryan Walker
  • Poneke
  • Ken Perrott
  • Matthew Flannagan
  • Madeleine Flannagan
  • James Zuccollo
  • Matt Nolan
  • Lucyna
  • I.M Fletcher
  • ZenTiger
  • Jimmy Jangles
  • John Q Public
  • The Kohi Yid
  • Fairfacts Media
  • Muzzlehatch
  • Paul Walker
  • Busted Blonde
  • Liberty Scott
  • Bill Bennett
  • Dave Crampton
  • Eric Crampton
  • Glenn Peoples
  • Murray Hill
  • Trevor Loudon
  • Julie Starr
  • Uroskin
  • Lindsay Mitchell
  • Bryce Edwards
  • Jack Yan
  • Paul Kronos
  • Clint Heine
  • David Farrier
  • Conor Roberts
  • Trevor Mallard
  • Terrorist attack on the United States
  • Um.
  • New Twilight Book
  • Free streaming Year One movie
  • Why did you make me black, God?
  • That last one might confuse you.
  • It was on a list of popular Google searches.
  • For searches starting with “Why did you…?”
  • How sad is that shit?
  • PS: Summer Glau naked.
  • That’s bound to bring a few searchers in.
  • Maybe even there’s a few people with that as a Google Alert.
  • “Sorry, Mum, gotta go! There’s been an alert on Summer Glau naked!”
  • Am I bored of this yet?
  • Hmmm.
  • What do you call a fly without any wings?
  • A walk!

Hopeless Googlers of their own name, unite.


  1. Heh heh, Lewis Holden has hilariously avoided me Googling my own name by misspelling my name on the Republic Movement blog page.

  2. It worked! But where are the rest of the hordes who've supposed to have stampeded here?

  3. Well you snapped me :-)

  4. Why does Richard McGrath get his PhD mentioned and no one else does?

    • A combination of I stole most of the list from Tumeke's NZBlogosphere and writing the list got exponentially less entertaining as time went on.

      • Tumeke lists Matt as "Dr"… (LOL)

        BTW we did not find your page via a google alert, we simply followed PC's link to it.

        • I retroactively decree that the rules of that particular list require that only medical doctors get the title.


          I think I got surprisingly few people through Google Alerts, but I do know that I can say things like "Conor Roberts" and "Peter Cresswell" and they appear faster than Nigel Latta does when he hears TV cameras are involved. I would go so far as to say that pinging Google Alerts is a whaleoil of a time!

  5. I'm not a candidate for the HGotON yet – I didn't google my name but ended up here via M&M who linked to this post.
    I wasn't at the bloggers' drinks either – illustrious as the company undoubtedly was, I couldn't justify a special trip from North Otago.

    • You could always have a North Otago Bloggers Drinks…

  6. Hello Ryan. There are no other Bernard Darntons in the world as far as I know so the Google alert doesn't throw up any chaff.

    • I didn't think there could be any other Ryan Sproulls in the world, until some kid in Texas who plays the drums started showing up in my narcissistic searches. Still, I maintain I was here first.

  7. It could be that someone's just fucking with me, but two people have hit the site by searching for "summer glau naked" on AOL Search.


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